APFwebs

The virus show

“And now, here it is, that rip-roarin’ virus of the year folks have come to know, Covid Nine Te-e-e-een!”

[Canned applause, laughter, hoots and whistles, generic theme song, as familiar blob moves onstage to empty audience…]

“Thank you, Johnny. I just love all this attention. But don’t get me wrong…”

[Canned Ooos and chuckles…]

“It’s a little hard playing to an empty audience. But I guess it’s a little better than dead silence.”

[Canned chuckles…]

“Well, in other news today, I heard Trump compare me to influenza. Whadya think he meant? Come summer it just flu away? Get it? Flu? Get? Away? So right after this break, our first guest is that old virus you’ve known for years, influenza.”

[Canned “Bwahahaha…”, generic theme song fading to ads for cars, travel, cruises, makeup, ambulance chasers, and medicine…]

“And we’re back. Now it could make you gasp at how it’s been all over for years, not like me. Really gets around: a well-travelled thing. Get it? No comparison, frequent mutations, here it is: Influenza!”

[Canned applause, laughter, hoots and whistles, generic theme song, as familiar blob moves onstage to empty audience…]

“Thanks, Co. Er…you don’t mind if I call you Co?”

“Not at all, Flu. So. I guess you’re kind of dormant these days, eh?”

“Oh, I reckon I’m spread a little thin at the moment. When your nose is runny it’s not anything to sneeze about, though… How about you?”

[Canned chuckles…]

“Oh, you know how it goes. Toilet paper and beans in isolated cases, rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, hacking and drive-throughs and grabbing for the old Purell…”

[Canned Ooos and chuckles…]

Maybe someday we’ll get to look back on all this and groan. And now for a word from our sponsors.

Dang!