Letters from the Editor

Double take

We haven’t had an invasion in a coon’s age.

Well, maybe it’s debatable. Wikipedia says, “Although captive raccoons have been known to live over 20 years, their life expectancy in the wild is only 1.8 to 3.1 years.” So how long ago’s a coon’s age?

In our security cams, we’ve seen coons crossing the yard. None of them had wrinkles or gray hair or walked with canes.

To think: the world was snatched from under us by a critter so small it would take about 821 of ‘em to cross a hair—presumably human or coon. 🦠 I’d like to think these little low-lifes (the viruses) could find better things to do. (What’s a virus’s age?)

I type with a clean and burnished fingertip. 🧼

In late January, before all this fluff came about, I ordered six bars and Jill ordered twelve, of our favorite soaps. We didn’t mean to hoard: we just buy in bulk. It’s cheaper. Plus, we already have a hoard of small bars collected from motels during our travels.

That was then. This is now. The least provocation yields a twenty-second wash (and a mysterious, immediate, powerful urge for a face touch). I think I see a new layer of skin on my hands. Almost anal: a means to an end, so to speak.

The CDC says “Yes” and some pols say “No.” Ain’t that the way? We can’t find them here, so we ordered fifty surgical masks. (Hoarding.) Obeying the CDC we’ll go out with masks the few times we can’t #StayHome. We’ll look like Star Wars Stormtroopers.

I saw a “thought piece” online comparing human society now to the reign of the dinosaurs way back when. Their catastrophic end yielded the slow rise of mammal society.

Maybe the next society will be bots. We’ll be assimilated by the Borg: resistance is futile.We already have all manner of AI. We have smart homes with the likes of Herbert (our vacuum) and Bertha (home security). We have bots for home delivery. There’s Alexa, Siri, and Watson. There’s a life-like news anchor, Erica.

Bots already have clean hands, don’t need toilet paper, and maybe they could look like Stormtroopers. And each could live for a coon’s age. Aren’t bots the wave of the future?

But it occurs to me, even computers can get viruses.

A financial advisor on TV suggested not to panic. He said, “This, too, will pass.” That can be taken two ways. Think about it.

Or three: make sure you have enough toilet paper. 🧻