APFwebs

O, thereby hangs a tail

Life is a pop quiz.

Life is a series of puzzles, each more and more difficult, until the final which, when the answer is revealed, some may think, “Go figger.”

And each and every generation gets an unexpected dramatic life change for which it isn’t prepared, and the generation thinks, “This stinks.” Or “Go figger.” There’s, say, revolution, or a big war, or prohibition, or severe depression, or… And life has said, “Your turn. Next!”

So let’s talk about farts. One of the oldest words is fart.

Humans—and many other life forms—flatulate. Fart, Middle English ferten, feorten, and farten; Old High German ferzan; Greek perdomai; Latin pedere; Sanskrit pardate; Russian perdet; Polish pierd …and on and on.

The Proto-Indo-European root is perd (master blaster) or pezd (silent but deadly). A toot or a poot.

Our growing population demands more and more cattle, chickens and pigs for food and such. These critters produce methane by burping and farting, which yields global warming. No out for vegans: think beans, good for the heart. More folks, more methane. To palliate our being fruitful and multiplying, we dream of using methane as a biofuel. But poots pollute.

Poor farts have often been objects of ridicule. The Roman Emperor Elaglabulus purportedly used whoopee cushions at dinner parties. Rabelais told of the giant Pantagruel, whose fart “made the earth shake for twenty-nine miles around.”

Ben Franklin wrote “To The Royal Academy of Farting.” He proposed scientific conversion of farts to a more agreeable form: deodorizing toots.

So this hipster walks into a bar: typical hipster, beard, beanie, flannel shirt. An old fart is sitting at the bar. Bartender says, “What’ll you have?” Hipster says, “Dr. Pepper.” Bartender says, “Fresh out. Old fart had the last one.” Hipster says, “That stinks. Old asshole.” Old fart toots, “Blow it out your ass, kid. I was dry.” Bartender whispers, “Hold it in before flappin’ your cheeks, bub.” Hipster leaves in a gas, “Dang, came to get a drink, all I get’s hot air.”

Hipsters and later may deodorize the stink left by old farts and before. And leave more than a popcorn fart in a whirlwind.

Pull my finger.💨